Friday, August 27, 2010

Changes

Mystical Poems of Rumi







Something about these words from Rumi resonate with my spirit.


I didn’t know love would make me this
crazy, with my eyes
like the river Ceyhun
carrying me in its rapids
out to sea,
where every bit
of shattered boat
sinks to the bottom.

An alligator lifts its head and swallows
the ocean, then the ocean
floor becomes
a desert covering
the alligator in
sand drifts.
Changes do
happen.  I do not know how,
or what remains of what
has disappeared
into the absolute.
I hear so many stories
and explanations, but I keep quiet,
because I don’t know anything,
and because something i swallowed
in the ocean
has made me completely content
with ignorance.
(Rumi)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Melting

I'm reading Thomas Moore's book, Care of the Soul, as I continue to walk through my spiritual journey. Last night these words caught my attention: "The sacred teaching story, which has the potential of deepening the mystery of our own identity, instead is used defensively in fundamentalism, to spare us the anxiety of being an individual with choice, responsibility, and a continually changing sense of self. The tragedy of fundamentalism in any context is its capacity to freeze life into a solid cube of meaning." (p. 236)
A solid cube of meaning. Been there. Still have frostbite. May have even lost a few bits of my heart to gangrene. Little by little over the last several years, the ice cube has begun to melt. I've been through the drippy stage leaving puddles of moralism in my footprints. More recently, I've felt the raw excruciating pain of flesh coming back to life. There's still more pain to come. But there's hope. Hope of renewal. Hope for mystery. Hope in identity.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Generosity


Receiving. That's hard for me. To accept a gift with grace and even celebrate its arrival is part of the circle of generosity.
Tonight, I visited a church called Radius. Part of me went with fear and trembling. Old emotions surfacing when confronted with church. But even as my heart was beating, I felt myself drawn into the worship. Something that hasn't happened for me in years. People stood, sat, danced and sang as they celebrated what God had done and is doing in their lives. Candles stood on every window ledge. The rafters were exposed, walls were old brick in various stages of exposure. These people are scarily serious about living out Christianity. God doesn't just fit in around the edges of their lives, he rewrites their stories. And that freaks me out! And at the same time piques my curiosity.
Back to the idea of generosity....the guy who spoke tonight passionately illustrated (through a long crazy illustration) how the trinity gives to each other. The Father giving to Jesus. Jesus giving back to the Father. The Father giving to the Spirit. The Spirit giving back to the Father. Jesus giving to the Spirit and the Spirit giving back to Jesus. And on and on. Generosity, but at its core, it's relationship. It dawned on me that Jesus has been holding out his gift of love and life and over the past three years I've refused the gift. Our relationship broke when I folded my arms. Now, I am empty. I have nothing to give and no one to give to. Jesus holds out his gift of relationship, it's up to me to open my folded arms and receive it. He wants to draw me into the circle of trinity, the circle of relationship. I spread my arms wide to receive his generosity, to be drawn into the circle, to learn the beauty of the trinity.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Free Painting

I love to paint with my hands. Fingers. Fist. Knuckles. Palms. Nails. Thumbs. Fingertips. Big sweeping motions. Small delicate strokes. Pitter-Pattery dancing dots. Strong intense pounding. Scratching through to the undercoat. Rhythmic knocking.
Put on the music, let the world spin on its axis. No one can touch me in that place. That place where my heart touches the paper through my skin.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Put on your pretty skirt

This skirt from Anthropologie was my inspiration for today's upcycled skirt. I love the rolled hem combined with a classic pencil skirt.



















My version of Anthropologie's skirt. I used an old pair of pants, cut them down to size. I sewed about a 2.5 inch hem and played with the fabric, separating it, rolling it and pinning it in place. I stitched the creases, folds and rolls in place. A new skirt, ready to wear!

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Monday, June 14, 2010

Random facts

My fingernails are 10 different colors.
I prefer salad to be cooked.
My house is covered with clothes from Goodwill that I am redesigning.
I like my chocolate dark.
I forgot to put stamps on my outgoing mail today, so the postman kindly left them in the box.
I am addicted to good coffee!

Tell me a random fact about yourself.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A second glance



This little dress is a gift for my niece. But it has a fun story with it.

Once upon a time, there was an unloved dress. It used to have a home and be a little girl's favorite dress until one day she caught it on a nail and ripped it. Mom donated the dress to a thrift store. The dress was excited to see who her new owner would be. But day after day, she hung on the rack. No one seemed interested once they saw the rip in her neckline. That thrift store got tired of her and donated her to another thrift store. This time, she didn't even get a hanger. People came along and dug down in the bin she was lying in. They would pick her up, shake her out and toss her back in. But one lady came along, picked her up, smoothed out her wrinkles, gently touched the rip and talked about ways to fix it. The lady bought the dress. She washed it, sewed up the rip and made puffy little flowers for the neckline. Now, the dress was fit for a princess. And that was just who was going to get to wear her! Little Princess Emily.
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Monday, May 31, 2010

Style Statement

Today, I spent hours answering questions and working to define what I like and who I am. I picked up Carrie and Danielle's book Style Statement at the local library and was intrigued by the questions, words and beautiful people featured in the pages. It felt like the right thing to work through at this stage in my life. So many days, I wake up and wonder: who am I? Am I doing what matters most to me? Do I need to change something in my life? Why don't these clothes seem to work for me? What fills me and resonates deep within my being?

Here are a few of the questions from the book with my answers:

A few objects in my living space that I cherish or take great pleasure in: my blanket: I’ve had I since I was born. It’s the ultimate texture of comfort for me. Circle chair: its shape makes me happy….It’s a pretty contemporary piece, but the fact that it’s a circle I can sit inside is comforting. The canning jars on the coffee table: they’re from the late 1800s and I’ve filled them with “freshly sharpened pencils,” black sand from Maui, and rose petals. To me, the echo things I’ve experienced and loved and things that make me happy.

I collect or have a lot of: books. Old and new. Children’s and young adult. My grandfather’s bibles. Thrift store finds. New knowledge. Stories to get lost in. beautiful pictures. Other worlds.

The ultimate party or celebration that I’d like to throw would be: An art creating party….in a big warehouse with paper lanterns and white Christmas lights strung up with long swaths of cloth hanging down the walls and drapes across the ceiling. Open doors and windows with a fall night and a warm cracking fire outside with wine and cheese and chocolate. Happy, mellow music in the background and 20 or so people creating art that expresses their joy at being alive…..art that will be auctioned off and proceeds given to underprivileged children to purchase art supplies.

When I am inspired my mind feels: free, soaring, flying

My favorite form of play is: bits and pieces of paper, glue, scissors, and a favorite phrase or two – turning it into a small collage.

And at the end, I sorted through words - big, beautiful, powerful words. Looking up synonyms and definitions and listening for the echo in my own soul. This is true. This is good. This is you.


At my core, the foundation of my being I feel that I am Genuine. Meaning: Authentic and real, genuine wants to be fully itself and deeply appreciate people and experiences that are free of hypocrisy or dishonesty. Sincerity is sweet music to their soul. They gravitate to those who are down to earth and unpretentious.


But there is 20% of my being that expresses itself in Creativity. Meaning: Creative is a life-affirming explorer. Gifted with fantastic imaginations, Creative will seek out originality – unique people and experiences, abstract thinking, and fantastical, whimsical notions. Small mindedness and regulation deeply pains Creative. Resourceful, determined, and passionate, they can find a way through any circumstance.


And here I am. At the end of a fun inquisitive day. It's just me.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Prayer Flags

Starting new projects is easy for me. Finishing them is another story!

A few weeks ago, I started creating prayer flags for my yard. I painted the colors and then they sat for a week. This time, with this project, I challenged myself to finish. The imagery came easily: waves, bird, fire, tree, sun and moon. No words. I wanted broad meanings, very humble icons.

And they are finished!
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Sunday, April 4, 2010

Resurrection

I loved driving with the windows down, hair blowing in my face and the sun setting behind me. The perfect ending to a beautiful day! I spent last night at KC and Jerry's house. Enjoyed good family time. Riley slept with me last night and I was woken with a kiss and coffee this morning.
After KC and Jerry left for church, I continued painting a commission and somewhat watched The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It seemed fitting to spend time with Aslan on Easter morning.....To be reminded again that he's not a very safe lion after all. . . To see him bring freedom and life to what was conquered and frozen. . . . To feel his breath, warm, moist and somehow comforting. . . To laugh in wonder at his creative power enabling his creation to do and become what they never could imagine.
Debra came over for brunch and patio time. We sat and talked, read, flipped through books and magazines, drank coffee, ate homemade apple pie and shared life with each other. And, yes, we even had a bit of church - just the four of us!
I am celebrating the color purple tonight. Debra gave KC and I each a purple flowering plant. It's so happy and full of blooms! The other day, I ran across this quote from Alice Walker about the color purple: "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it." I want to stop and notice. To live aware. To live with wonder. To celebrate new life. This is resurrection!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Speakin' Up

"The power of the word is real whether or not you are conscious of it. Your own words are the bricks and mortar of the dreams you want to realize. Behind every word flows energy." Sonia Choquette
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Monday, March 22, 2010

Who is she?

I hit bumps in life from time to time when I feel unsettled. As though there's more life I should be living. I question where I am and what I'm doing. Is it enough? Is it right? There's a competitiveness that causes me to compare and assume that because someone else has reached a new chapter in their life, I should too. And then I begin to doubt myself and how I am caring for me. Should I do more? What can I change? Gradually, Envy slips through my defenses and takes up residence. She's brought a tenseness to my jaw that reverberates down through my neck and shoulders. I believe her whispers that someone else has better, someone else has more, someone else is living life more fully than I am. She tells me I'm not as much of a person as so-and-so. My mind begins to scramble to figure out how to catch up.
How did I get on this hamster wheel again? Have I been on it so long that I no longer hear the squeak? Can I step off and get my bearings again? Banish the green-eyed maiden, hold counsel with Contentment and laugh with gratitude.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Happy words

These words danced through my mind as I free wrote this afternoon. Enjoy.

Pink flowers sparkle freely as they dance in the breeze.
Songs whisper their melody to strangers in a crowd.
Sand sprinkles time around our feet.
Laughter chimes the hours.
Ink etches the story of our lives.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Blonde Moments

Have you ever had a crazy week? Not crazy as though you alone are responsible for turning the world, but crazy like you haven't got a care in the world. Really, I did have a lot of things to be busy with and concerned with this week, but no one informed my brain.
So, on Monday I cut myself shaving at the gym and bled for 45 minutes while I finished getting ready. The gym had run out of bandaids. Sigh. No matter what I tried, my ankle kept dripping and dripping and dripping.
Tuesday I forgot to plug in my brain. Hence, the exciting episode of smoking easymac. Three minutes in the microwave in a plastic container with no water equals billowing smoke, blackened maccaroni and a burned smell that permeated the entire school.
Wednesday I almost forgot to take my work clothes to the gym. Not a problem, until you realize that I work out at 5:30 and go straight to work.
After that, things kind of settled down. I don't think I've been too clueless these past two days. But, oh the joy in laughing at one's self!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Stresses

Some days are just rough. Friday was like that for me. It was a back to back day with teaching. Teachers came early to drop their students off and picked them up late. After school, I had to quickly change on get on the road for a workshop in Asheville at 6:00. By 3:30, I was happily driving - when all the forces of nature began conspiring against me or so it seemed.
1. Starbucks' drive-thru took 15 minutes to deliver a tall coffee with cream.
2. Did you know that in downtown Asheville you can drive east and west at the same time? It's true! I was driving 26w and 240e when I read my directions wrong and spent 40 minutes untangling my way.
3. By then, I had to find a bathroom and something for dinner. Did you know that Asheville is so much of a granola city, that fast food is virtually non-existent?
4. All traffic lights in Asheville are triggered to turn red as you reach the intersection. And then after 4 minutes, they turn green.
Oh, stress! I hate being late! And then to have been told by the workshop leaders to be sure to be on time made it even worse! My dear friend, KC, helped me find an Earthfare and stayed on the phone with me till I could compose myself and decide that this workshop would not be for me.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Scars

I was ripped.
Torn and gouged.
They were trying to remove the essence of my being.
Not out of malice.
Out of fear.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

faith

"most of us come to the church by a means the church does not allow." Flannery O'Conner

I must say that I have tried to come to the church by the only means they do allow. I have been saved and baptized. I have repented, prayed, done a multitude of good deeds, read my Bible, given my tithe, worked in church settings, gone to the mission field. And at the end of the day, the church still threw me out. I guess in reality, I did my own purging of the church in my own life as well.

And now, I find myself turning around. Pursuing faith - not the church. Finding the spiritual in the ordinary.

Friday, February 12, 2010

fears

Fears I have as I begin to flesh out my belief and understanding of God.

1. That I will turn a corner in this discovery and find that God was waiting for me to figure out that I really was supposed to be checking all those boxes and keeping all the rules. He expects me to repent and do penance to appease his anger.

2. Coming from a place of God as a black and white deity, I am afraid to step out and begin to let my own image and definition of God surface.

3. There is the fear of where this journey will take me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Written to me.

I picked up Julia Cameron's book Faith and Will this past weekend. I can hardly get through a paragraph without feeling like she's inside my soul writing about the landscape there and providing hope. I want to share two short paragraphs from this morning's reading.

"Very often when we think about what we would like to have happen in our lives, we cast ourselves very far forward and out of the day we are in. No wonder everything seems so impossible and so difficult. We cast ourselves far into the future where we stand alone and buffeted, wondering where God is.
God works in the day that we actually have going on. God's miracles are miniature daily miracles. They are miracles of evolution and miracles of prograss. They are the small miracles that add up to large miracles. They are tiny steps that lead us in the right direction. If we want to find God, we need first to find ourselves. That is where God is. Right with us."

I am by nature a dreamer and live projecting into the future. No wonder when I throw out my net to catch God, I come up empty many times. Live into today. That is enough.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Dreaded ponderings

I want dreadlocks. They seem cool, artsy and out there. I think they might be an easier way to take care of my curls. And then last week, I highlighted my hair with pink. Bright pink. It felt odd to catch a glimpse of myself in mirrors. A few peopled looked at me for a second too long. And I wondered if it looked like I had gotten drunk on New Year's and ended up with pink hair. I dyed it back. And now I wonder how I would do with dreads. Do I just love the idea of them? Can I deal with the 'stress' of being different than the culture around me? Is my spirit strong enough to express myself through dreads? Am I gentle enough and patient enough to deal with the questions and the stares? Just thinking out loud.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Beauty

When my students tell me they think their artwork is ugly, I usually respond that most art goes through an ugly stage before the beauty appears. Keep working. I need to add that shortcuts tend to skip over beauty. They want to be pragmatic - take the shortest path possible from assignment to completion. I understand. I am like this, too. I just want to solve the dilemma so life can be smooth again. No bumps or curves in the road.
This year I want to live into the struggles, sit beside the ugly and be at peace with taking the long road home. I want to reap the beauty of living fully into each moment. As Osho says, "When I say be creative, I don't mean that you should all go and become great painters and poets. I simply mean let your life be a painting, let your life be a poem."