Church

I visited church today. We (KC, Jerry and I) have been planning to do this for the last several weeks. It's time to meet new people.
Everything was fine - until we pulled in the parking lot. At that point, I pulled up my walls and ducked deep inside myself. Thoughts rolled around like: "too many people," "I don't know any of these people," "everyone's SO young."
Off we went. People said hi. They were all so close. Claustrophobia set in. I just wanted to watch. Where's my robe of invisibility? Who are these people? What do they think of me? All my senses were on alert. Everything was new.
The service was fine. Except the chairs. They were little and quite far apart. I was afraid that I would find the floor before I found the chair. Now why did I want to come to church? ah, to meet people - which I am afraid to speak to.
Next week, I have a deal with KC and Jerry. They can talk to whomever they like and I will people watch.
http://www.gracechurchsc.org/downtown-campus/

Extend

I'm still getting used to the idea that most people are able to extend grace because they have been given grace.

Yesterday, my sister showed up at my house in tears, hurting. Blistered by the tediousness of life and the salt of unkindness rubbed into the wound. The people surrounding her for the next nine months live in a paradigm of law. The system bends for no one. People forget how to extend grace or even a sliver of kindness when all they're handed is the law and its consequences.

I know. I was there both as a student and as faculty. It's easy to get caught up in the beauty of a black and white world. I found myself addressing every slight misdemeanor, anything that bordered on gray. I forgot how to extend grace. My peers seldom expressed it to each other, let alone to a student. It just wasn't done. God is holy. He is black and white. Banish the gray! became the unspoken motto. War rhetoric surfaced in our conversations.

Step outside the paradigm of the law to look inside. It's all so confusing. What's the big fuss over? Mountains arising from molehills. Redwoods being ignored in favor of splinters.

Oh, to step back from it all. Look up. Look around. Breathe in the multicolored breath of grace.

Relationship

So, I've been thinking about this thing called relationship. How do you find them? Not necessarily the dating kind, just a friend. It almost seems as though I need to join a club of some sort to have an automatic "in" with a group of people. But then that doesn't automatically create relationship either. Consider church: similar to a club, group of people with common interests, participating in group activities, and still overflows with loneliness. I have spent the majority of my life in christian circles: schools, church, family and friends. I can count on one hand the number of people out of those groups I would consider to be real-honest-to-goodness-come-through-in-the-darkest-part-of-the-night kind of friends.
So, how do I find friends? Strike up random conversations in the grocery store? Look for a ministry of some kind? Hang out in a chat room?
I'm just talking out of the smallness of my relational circle. Musing.

Driving Home

I went furniture shopping the other day. Four stores in a two hour time block. I know exactly what I'm looking for, the problem is that my friends can't remember the where they bought the sofa they gave me. The sofa I want an exact replica of. Creamy white, curved, overstuffed sectional. Not too big, not too small, just right, only the fabric is beginning to desintigrate after years of loving.
All those showrooms must have gone to my head, because I couldn't seem to get into the right lane to access the interstate and get home. Do I want to go North or South? Spartanburg or Columbia? By the time I figured it out, it was too late. I was doomed to continue heading into the evils of Friday afternoon shopping traffic. Two red lights later (the same red light, mind you), I turned into a shopping center to turn around. Stopped in a store for 2 minutes. Nothing was on sale, so I kept moving. This time, I knew that I needed to be in the right hand lane to access the interstate. I never made it. All the sudden I found myself back at the entrance to the shopping center, in the left hand turning lane. (No, there was no alchohol involved, just me in all my glory) While waiting for the light, I spoke with myself, argued with myself, berated myself and still don't know how I got myself in such an amazing situation.

heart

Sometimes life moves so quickly that I loose sight of the real me. The one inside, buried under the busyness. There was a time in the not to distant past that I was wading through pools of hurt. These days, I am mostly content and happy to be where I am doing what I'm doing enjoying the people around me. I want my heart to be strong and open. No walls, just a place where transactions of love are commonplace. No more cowering in a corner, ashamed of the real me.

These words and thoughts grew out of some photos I was taking the other day. A few years ago, my friend was helping me break down the walls that surrounded my heart. She loved me unconditionally and it scared me. Little by little, holes began to appear in my heart. The stagnant air could leave while hope flowed freely. She and her husband gave me this heart ornament as a picture of what was going on inside me.

To teach

"Hi, My name's Miss Ridley. What's yours?"
"Quada'sha."
"Heaven."
"Jesus."
"Greisly."

"Who's your teacher?"
A shrug of the shoulder.
"Uh,...."
"I don't know."

"Hi, What student are you picking up? What grade?"
"Jailene Pamela Rosales."
"What grade?"
A shake of the head and then three fingers held up.
"Is this one person or two?"
More sign language and then "one girl."
And I'm off to find her classroom in a school of more than 650 students.

Escorting two white girls to their car, they are incensed that no one knows their name.
I make a mental note that there are two things working against them: they are white and they have normal names.

I love the beginning of a new school year!

Dreaming in Pictures

Last Christmas I put together a collage of images and phrases depicting the direction I wanted to grow. I posted it above my bed, reading it nightly. The theme seemed to be living in my own skin. Respecting my voice. Celebrating the person that I am and am becoming. These words and images seeped deep into my being, infusing me with courage.
A few weeks ago, I realized that I had outgrown those images and words. The dreams had become reality. I find that I respect my own voice and am no longer ashamed of being an individual. I am much, much better at standing up for myself. So, I made a new collage. This one focused on friends. Reaching out. Community. Moments of stillness woven into relationships.