heart

Sometimes life moves so quickly that I loose sight of the real me. The one inside, buried under the busyness. There was a time in the not to distant past that I was wading through pools of hurt. These days, I am mostly content and happy to be where I am doing what I'm doing enjoying the people around me. I want my heart to be strong and open. No walls, just a place where transactions of love are commonplace. No more cowering in a corner, ashamed of the real me.

These words and thoughts grew out of some photos I was taking the other day. A few years ago, my friend was helping me break down the walls that surrounded my heart. She loved me unconditionally and it scared me. Little by little, holes began to appear in my heart. The stagnant air could leave while hope flowed freely. She and her husband gave me this heart ornament as a picture of what was going on inside me.

To teach

"Hi, My name's Miss Ridley. What's yours?"
"Quada'sha."
"Heaven."
"Jesus."
"Greisly."

"Who's your teacher?"
A shrug of the shoulder.
"Uh,...."
"I don't know."

"Hi, What student are you picking up? What grade?"
"Jailene Pamela Rosales."
"What grade?"
A shake of the head and then three fingers held up.
"Is this one person or two?"
More sign language and then "one girl."
And I'm off to find her classroom in a school of more than 650 students.

Escorting two white girls to their car, they are incensed that no one knows their name.
I make a mental note that there are two things working against them: they are white and they have normal names.

I love the beginning of a new school year!

Dreaming in Pictures

Last Christmas I put together a collage of images and phrases depicting the direction I wanted to grow. I posted it above my bed, reading it nightly. The theme seemed to be living in my own skin. Respecting my voice. Celebrating the person that I am and am becoming. These words and images seeped deep into my being, infusing me with courage.
A few weeks ago, I realized that I had outgrown those images and words. The dreams had become reality. I find that I respect my own voice and am no longer ashamed of being an individual. I am much, much better at standing up for myself. So, I made a new collage. This one focused on friends. Reaching out. Community. Moments of stillness woven into relationships.

Trust

I am learning that in order to truly feel loved and accepted for who I am, I must trust the other person enough to be vulnerable with them. It's so much easier to tack on the latest paper doll dress and hide. "Maybe she will like me if I wear yellow." But if I walk forward exposing my brokenness, trusting her with it, I am also allowing her to leave her mask behind.

And then there were shoes....

The wasteland of shoes.
Jumbled, Tumbled and Lost.

Musings

Sketching. Painting. Honoring my body.
There is joy in picking up the brush to caress the canvas.
I do not hold myself to a standard of perfectionism.
Bad art is allowed. The good comes through the bad.

I am struggling with being motivated to do anything. Or maybe I should say, I love futzing on the computer, reading, watching Oprah, dreaming, and watering my plants. This summer has been good for me. Slowly, I'm coming down off Lexapro. (maybe the extra weight will start to slowly come down as well) I have daydreamed of new ways to motivate, teach and control my students. I actually miss them! Sleep has come easily and in large quantities. I haven't accomplished the goals I set at the beginning of the summer, but I'm ok with that. Serendipity has ruled the day, all of them.

The Sly North Wind

I've felt it blowing through my spirit the last few days.
It shows up in an inconsolable itch to change something in my life.
Nothing is wrong with my job, my car, my house, etc.
It's just an itch to check out my options.

Eventually it subsides.
I am happy.
Maybe a tad bored.
So summer projects are beginning to get done.