I hit bumps in life from time to time when I feel unsettled. As though there's more life I should be living. I question where I am and what I'm doing. Is it enough? Is it right? There's a competitiveness that causes me to compare and assume that because someone else has reached a new chapter in their life, I should too. And then I begin to doubt myself and how I am caring for me. Should I do more? What can I change? Gradually, Envy slips through my defenses and takes up residence. She's brought a tenseness to my jaw that reverberates down through my neck and shoulders. I believe her whispers that someone else has better, someone else has more, someone else is living life more fully than I am. She tells me I'm not as much of a person as so-and-so. My mind begins to scramble to figure out how to catch up.
How did I get on this hamster wheel again? Have I been on it so long that I no longer hear the squeak? Can I step off and get my bearings again? Banish the green-eyed maiden, hold counsel with Contentment and laugh with gratitude.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Happy words
These words danced through my mind as I free wrote this afternoon. Enjoy.
Pink flowers sparkle freely as they dance in the breeze.
Songs whisper their melody to strangers in a crowd.
Sand sprinkles time around our feet.
Laughter chimes the hours.
Ink etches the story of our lives.
Pink flowers sparkle freely as they dance in the breeze.
Songs whisper their melody to strangers in a crowd.
Sand sprinkles time around our feet.
Laughter chimes the hours.
Ink etches the story of our lives.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Blonde Moments
Have you ever had a crazy week? Not crazy as though you alone are responsible for turning the world, but crazy like you haven't got a care in the world. Really, I did have a lot of things to be busy with and concerned with this week, but no one informed my brain.
So, on Monday I cut myself shaving at the gym and bled for 45 minutes while I finished getting ready. The gym had run out of bandaids. Sigh. No matter what I tried, my ankle kept dripping and dripping and dripping.
Tuesday I forgot to plug in my brain. Hence, the exciting episode of smoking easymac. Three minutes in the microwave in a plastic container with no water equals billowing smoke, blackened maccaroni and a burned smell that permeated the entire school.
Wednesday I almost forgot to take my work clothes to the gym. Not a problem, until you realize that I work out at 5:30 and go straight to work.
After that, things kind of settled down. I don't think I've been too clueless these past two days. But, oh the joy in laughing at one's self!
So, on Monday I cut myself shaving at the gym and bled for 45 minutes while I finished getting ready. The gym had run out of bandaids. Sigh. No matter what I tried, my ankle kept dripping and dripping and dripping.
Tuesday I forgot to plug in my brain. Hence, the exciting episode of smoking easymac. Three minutes in the microwave in a plastic container with no water equals billowing smoke, blackened maccaroni and a burned smell that permeated the entire school.
Wednesday I almost forgot to take my work clothes to the gym. Not a problem, until you realize that I work out at 5:30 and go straight to work.
After that, things kind of settled down. I don't think I've been too clueless these past two days. But, oh the joy in laughing at one's self!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Stresses
Some days are just rough. Friday was like that for me. It was a back to back day with teaching. Teachers came early to drop their students off and picked them up late. After school, I had to quickly change on get on the road for a workshop in Asheville at 6:00. By 3:30, I was happily driving - when all the forces of nature began conspiring against me or so it seemed.
1. Starbucks' drive-thru took 15 minutes to deliver a tall coffee with cream.
2. Did you know that in downtown Asheville you can drive east and west at the same time? It's true! I was driving 26w and 240e when I read my directions wrong and spent 40 minutes untangling my way.
3. By then, I had to find a bathroom and something for dinner. Did you know that Asheville is so much of a granola city, that fast food is virtually non-existent?
4. All traffic lights in Asheville are triggered to turn red as you reach the intersection. And then after 4 minutes, they turn green.
Oh, stress! I hate being late! And then to have been told by the workshop leaders to be sure to be on time made it even worse! My dear friend, KC, helped me find an Earthfare and stayed on the phone with me till I could compose myself and decide that this workshop would not be for me.
1. Starbucks' drive-thru took 15 minutes to deliver a tall coffee with cream.
2. Did you know that in downtown Asheville you can drive east and west at the same time? It's true! I was driving 26w and 240e when I read my directions wrong and spent 40 minutes untangling my way.
3. By then, I had to find a bathroom and something for dinner. Did you know that Asheville is so much of a granola city, that fast food is virtually non-existent?
4. All traffic lights in Asheville are triggered to turn red as you reach the intersection. And then after 4 minutes, they turn green.
Oh, stress! I hate being late! And then to have been told by the workshop leaders to be sure to be on time made it even worse! My dear friend, KC, helped me find an Earthfare and stayed on the phone with me till I could compose myself and decide that this workshop would not be for me.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Scars
I was ripped.
Torn and gouged.
They were trying to remove the essence of my being.
Not out of malice.
Out of fear.
Torn and gouged.
They were trying to remove the essence of my being.
Not out of malice.
Out of fear.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
faith
"most of us come to the church by a means the church does not allow." Flannery O'Conner
I must say that I have tried to come to the church by the only means they do allow. I have been saved and baptized. I have repented, prayed, done a multitude of good deeds, read my Bible, given my tithe, worked in church settings, gone to the mission field. And at the end of the day, the church still threw me out. I guess in reality, I did my own purging of the church in my own life as well.
And now, I find myself turning around. Pursuing faith - not the church. Finding the spiritual in the ordinary.
I must say that I have tried to come to the church by the only means they do allow. I have been saved and baptized. I have repented, prayed, done a multitude of good deeds, read my Bible, given my tithe, worked in church settings, gone to the mission field. And at the end of the day, the church still threw me out. I guess in reality, I did my own purging of the church in my own life as well.
And now, I find myself turning around. Pursuing faith - not the church. Finding the spiritual in the ordinary.
Friday, February 12, 2010
fears
Fears I have as I begin to flesh out my belief and understanding of God.
1. That I will turn a corner in this discovery and find that God was waiting for me to figure out that I really was supposed to be checking all those boxes and keeping all the rules. He expects me to repent and do penance to appease his anger.
2. Coming from a place of God as a black and white deity, I am afraid to step out and begin to let my own image and definition of God surface.
3. There is the fear of where this journey will take me.
1. That I will turn a corner in this discovery and find that God was waiting for me to figure out that I really was supposed to be checking all those boxes and keeping all the rules. He expects me to repent and do penance to appease his anger.
2. Coming from a place of God as a black and white deity, I am afraid to step out and begin to let my own image and definition of God surface.
3. There is the fear of where this journey will take me.
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